


Across the Divide

by Bookkbaby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 17:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookkbaby/pseuds/Bookkbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy isn’t always asleep. (A Destiel fic from Jimmy’s POV.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Across the Divide

Jimmy isn’t always asleep.

Sure, prior to Cas being ‘dragged back to Bible camp’, he had been in a half-awake, half-asleep state where everything the angel did seemed more like a dream. Well, considering WHAT the angel did, a night terror, vivid and terrifying and leaving Jimmy utterly helpless. Now, however, there are moments of clarity, times when Jimmy feels aware even though he still can’t control his own body.

He almost prefers being half-asleep.

 

Like this, it is too easy to start thinking about Claire and Amelia and wonder where they were and whether or not they were safe. Jimmy aches to hold his wife again, to kiss his daughter’s forehead goodnight, and to sit down at the dinner table and pray to the God Jimmy is slowly losing faith in. Jimmy immerses himself in the memories when he has these moments of consciousness, clinging to them the way a starving man clutches his last crust of bread.

He tries not to pay attention to what Castiel is putting his body through. He doesn’t want to know. He can feel Castiel’s presence in his mind, bright and blinding and incredibly powerful, taking up so much space that Jimmy feels small inside his own skull, but he’s adjusted. He’s gotten used to it and both he and the angel keep to their own ‘sides’ of Jimmy’s brain. It’s easier that way.

Until one day, it isn’t.

Jimmy is comforting himself with memories of Amelia, recalling the way her floral shampoo smells when she’s fresh out of the shower, how beautiful she had looked on their wedding day even with tear stains on her cheeks, the softness of her lips, her expression when they lay together, content and sleepy in the aftermath… It has been too long since he’s been with her in any sense of the word, and Jimmy would give anything to just spend five more minutes with her and kiss her one last time. He’d give everything he has to spend one more day with his wife and child; but that’s the thing, isn’t it? He’s already given up everything to keep them safe. He has no more left to sacrifice.

He’s so caught up in missing Amelia that he doesn’t notice the angel’s curiosity. He doesn’t sense it when Castiel creeps close, hovering close to the border that marks off Jimmy’s tiny space inside their shared head.

Jimmy only notices when Castiel does the equivalent of a mental throat-clearing to announce himself. The memories of Amelia’s laugh fade abruptly at the sound, Jimmy’s concentration lost, and he turns his focus to Castiel, confused, annoyed, and wary.

/What do you want?/ he asks the angel. Castiel seems almost hesitant to reply, which only makes Jimmy even more wary.

/I didn’t mean to pry,/ Castiel says, in a tone that actually sounds almost apologetic. /But I can feel your emotions./

Jimmy waits, expecting him to continue.

/And?/ he prompts when Castiel doesn’t speak.

/What were you thinking about?/ the angel asks. Jimmy is startled and now more confused than wary; if Castiel had wanted a favor, he would have asked for it by now. Well, demanded it, since Jimmy wasn’t going to be convinced by the name of the Lord to jump when he was told.

/Amelia,/ he said, some of his earlier wistfulness creeping into his tone. /And Claire too, but today… mostly Amelia./

/What is the name of the emotion you were feeling?/ Castiel persists. Jimmy would have frowned if he still had control over his mouth.

/Longing, I guess. I miss her very much,/ he replies. He knows he sounds bitter and depressed, but he can’t help it; he is bitter and depressed. /And I know I won’t ever get to see my family again, not until this is over./

Castiel is quiet for a long moment.

/I’m sorry,/ he says. /But I need you./

Jimmy resists the urge to roll his eyes. He doesn’t have control over those either. Castiel continues.

/But that isn’t the emotion I was asking about. I am familiar with longing./

Jimmy’s surprised. What on earth could an angel of the Lord possibly long for?

And then he remembers. There isn’t anything on earth an angel might want, but a fallen angel? A chance to return to Heaven, most likely.

/Longing for a person isn’t the same as longing for a place,/ he explains, slightly irritated. Castiel pulses with something like acknowledgement and impatience.

/I am aware,/ the angel says.

/If you didn’t want to know about longing, then what?/ Jimmy replies peevishly.

/The other emotion you were feeling,/ Castiel says. /I’ve noticed it before today but have been unable to identify it. What is it?/

/You’re going to need to give me a little more to go on here,/ Jimmy snaps. He feels Castiel deflate somewhat. Jimmy tries to control his shock.

/It’s warm,/ Castiel says softly. /And happy and sad and deep. It runs all the way to your core. What is it?/

/You’re asking me about love?/ Jimmy asks in disbelief. He can sense Castiel’s surprise.

/Is that the way that humans love?/ the angel asks.

/What, is it different for angels?/ Jimmy replies. He doesn’t really expect an answer, but then a heartbeat later, he’s suddenly drowning in a sea of chilly devotion and loyalty. It’s fierce, there’s no doubt about that, but it’s also calm and unshakable and  _boring_. There’s no passion, just duty, like someone had tried to boil down love to the simplest, most logical parts and had then translated it to a computer program.

The feeling recedes as quickly as it came and Jimmy shivers.

/That is the love angels feel for our Father,/ Cas explains. Jimmy isn’t sure if he’s imagining it, but the angel’s ‘voice’, if it can be called that, seems carefully bland. It’s as if he’s hiding something or holding something back. /And for each other./

/I’m sorry,/ Jimmy says automatically, but with complete sincerity, and then he wants to kick himself. He gives the mental equivalent of a wince. /I shouldn’t have said that. I apologize./

The angel, however, doesn’t seem offended.

/Why?/ he asks.

/It was rude of me,/ Jimmy replies. He senses Castiel’s disagreement.

/Not that. Why did you apologize in the first place?/ Castiel asks. Jimmy thinks for a moment, wondering how to word his answer.

/It might be because I’m human but… I guess that kind of love seems lonely?/ he replies slowly. /I think love is the best, most wonderful thing a human can experience, but… I don’t know how to explain it. The way a human loves and the way an angel loves is just different, I guess. It still seems sad to me./

Castiel is quiet for a long minute. Jimmy is about to speak again when Castiel finally breaks his silence.

/Thank you, Jimmy,/ he says. He withdraws, leaving Jimmy once again alone with his thoughts. Across the divide, Jimmy can feel Castiel thinking, though about what, he has no idea.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The next time Castiel comes to him, it’s just as much of a surprise as the first time.

/Jimmy,/ he says, almost but not quite a question. Jimmy is reluctantly drawn from recollections of family movie night; it had been Claire’s turn to pick and she’d chosen something a friend had told her about, but the film had been so bad it had devolved into throwing popcorn at each other, the screen, and making fun of the special effects. Jimmy couldn’t even remember the name of the movie now, but he still remembered how Claire giggled when Jimmy had hit Amelia square on the nose with a piece of popcorn and it had hung there for a moment before falling.

/What?/ Jimmy asks, civil though he can’t find it in himself to be friendly. He might feel sympathy for the angel now, but he still misses his family and his home too dearly to forgive Castiel for taking them from him.

/How did you know that you loved Amelia?/ Castiel asks seriously, like the question isn’t personal, like Jimmy owes him an answer.

/That is none of your business,/ Jimmy replies instantly. Ordinarily he’d be happy to have a chance to talk about the love of his life, how they’d met, the moment he knew that she was the one he wanted to marry… but not with Castiel.

/… please,/ Castiel said. He sounded so lost that Jimmy couldn’t help it. He wavered.

/Why do you want to know?/ he asks, somewhat curious but also stalling for time. Castiel’s presence shifts in his mind, shrinking back a little. If they were both human having this conversation, Jimmy would think that Castiel was uncomfortable.

/It’s important,/ the angel says, voice the carefully bland tone Jimmy hates. Even so, Jimmy only hesitates a moment before speaking.

/Amelia and I were in the same history class our senior year of high school,/ he says, allowing the memories to bubble to the surface. He allows them to do the speaking for him, replaying in his head the days their gazes would meet across the classroom, the day the teacher announced a paired assignment and Amelia, bold as brass, had walked over to him and sat in the empty desk at his side. The agreement to discuss the project over coffee had turned into dinner at Frederick’s and though they had discussed the project for ten minutes, they’d discussed themselves for hours. Dinner had led to a movie on the weekend had led to dinner at her house to meet the parents, and things had just naturally fallen into place.

They’d gone to prom together and two years, a few petty fights and one brief but messy break-up later, Jimmy had saved up the money to buy a ring worthy of her and got down on one knee outside of Frederick’s.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Castiel is quiet for several minutes as he peruses the memories, tentatively touching Jimmy’s emotions as though he isn’t certain he has permission. Jimmy isn’t exactly comfortable with it, but he figures it beats trying to explain how human emotions work to an angel.

/I think I understand better, now,/ Castiel says softly, gently extricating himself from the memories as though they’re glass and can shatter if handled too roughly. Jimmy’s a bit touched despite himself. /A human’s love is very different than an angel’s./

He sounds almost sad and, for the second time, Jimmy finds himself sympathizing with Castiel.

/And from other humans, too,/ Jimmy says unthinkingly. /No two people love the exact same way./

Castiel seems surprised and confused and upset and Jimmy doesn’t mean to pry, but he can’t help reaching out to try and find the reason. Castiel shies away and Jimmy freezes, then retreats.

/Then how do you know what love is?/ Castiel asks. Jimmy doesn’t know.

/You just do. Well, humans just do,/ he says helplessly. /It’s a feeling, you either feel it or you don’t, but when you do, you know it./

Castiel goes quiet again. Jimmy half-expects him to leave, but Castiel doesn’t move even as the minutes tick by.

/Do you miss your wife and daughter?/ Castiel finally asks. Jimmy’s taken aback, not expecting the sudden topic change, and so he answers honestly.

/Every day./

/I see,/ Castiel replies thoughtfully. The angel withdraws again, deep in thought, and Jimmy is left feeling more confused than ever.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next time Jimmy wakes, he’s more alert than he can remember being in a long time. For a second, he wonders if Castiel left him again, if he’s free now, but then he senses the holy light floating in the depths of his mind.

Castiel is still here, but Jimmy has control.

And to make things even stranger, they’re at his house, in his kitchen, watching his wife make spaghetti.

“What-” Jimmy starts, but then he stops, shocked when he feels his lips and vocal cords move in response to his will. Amelia turns and smiles at him, clearly not surprised by his presence.

“Spaghetti, silly,” she says. “It’ll be done in a few minutes. Could you slice the garlic bread?” She gestures to the two long-cut halves of a baguette, already herbed and cooked just right.

Stunned, Jimmy steps up to the counter, overcoat and suit jacket vanishing, sleeves already rolled up as he takes the bread knife and begins slicing. Everything is so surreal and so domestic it hurts.

/What’s going on?/ he asks Castiel, concentrating on asking in his head rather than out loud.

/It’s too dangerous to let you visit Amelia and Claire in reality, but I can give you this,/ Castiel replies gently. /This is Amelia’s dream./

“You seem quiet tonight,” Amelia comments, stirring the noodles as they cook. She nods towards the garlic bread, which Jimmy realizes he’s stopped slicing. “Claire will pout if you don’t get that cut in time for dinner.”

Jimmy sets the knife down and turns to his wife. He reaches for her and she gives him a confused smile as he pulls her into a tight embrace. She hugs him back, her face buried in his neck like always, and Jimmy shuts his eyes and breathes her presence in.

“Jimmy?” she asks. Jimmy pulls back and puts his hand on her shoulders, looking deep into her eyes and praying that she believes him.

“Amelia, it’s me. I mean, I’m really here,” he says quickly, not sure how long the dream will last but wanting her to know that he misses her. Amelia’s confusion deepens, he can see it in the crease between her eyebrows.

“What do you-” she begins.

“Cas did something,” Jimmy interrupts, barely noticing when the angel’s nickname rather than his proper name slides off his tongue. “I don’t know how, but even though this is a dream,  _I am here_.”

Amelia blinks up at him, tears beginning to pool in her eyes as she grasps his meaning. She blinks more rapidly then, trying to control herself even as her hands clutch at the fabric of his shirt.

“Jimmy?” she breathes. Jimmy feels his own throat begin to close up and he nods, laying one palm on his wife’s wet cheek.

“Yeah, it’s me. It’s really me.” He tilts his head forward and rests his forehead against hers. “I’ve missed you so much.”

She hugs him then, more desperate than before, because now she knows he isn’t just an image called up by her sleeping mind. He’s real and he’s here and though the pain of missing him doesn’t go away, it becomes easier to bear when they’re pressed together like this.

“When are you coming home?” she asks. Jimmy’s heart breaks again.

“I can’t,” he tells her, pressing soft kisses to her hair. “I can’t.”

He senses something from Castiel, almost a wistfulness, not quite a longing, and then the angel withdraws further and politely turns his back, giving Jimmy all the privacy he can. Jimmy sends his gratitude towards the angel, though he doesn’t wait for it to be acknowledged before he’s kissing Amelia. She kisses back, just as desperate as he is, her mouth opening beneath his. He can taste her tears as the scene shifts around them, changing from their kitchen to their bedroom within the blink of an eye.

Jimmy gently lays Amelia on their bed and they make love, frantic to connect with each other in every way possible rather than seek release.

The dream breaks up while they clutch each other in the afterglow and Jimmy is left with a bittersweet pain in his chest. He sinks back into his side of their mind, holding the memories close as he had held his wife moments before, and Cas quietly takes control again.

/Thank you,/ Jimmy says quietly. He senses Castiel’s surprise that Jimmy actually spoke first, but the angel recovers well.

/Would you like to visit Claire next time?/ he asks. /We can’t do this every night, but I’ll do what I can./

/Yeah… yeah, I’d like that,/ Jimmy says, feeling choked up once more. Occasional visits aren’t enough, not nearly, but they’re better than nothing. He knows Castiel didn’t even need to offer him that comfort; he hadn’t even known that Castiel could walk in dreams or allow Jimmy to surface the way he did.

/Thank you,/ he whispers again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jimmy begins to surface more often after that night, he notices. Before, he’d come to maybe once every few weeks, but now he’s aware at least once a week, then once every few days, and he isn’t sure if it’s a result of Cas’s dwindling Grace or the angel allowing Jimmy to surface during their dream-visits to Amelia and Claire. Jimmy isn’t complaining either way.

However, with more frequent bouts of consciousness comes a heightened awareness of Castiel and his emotions and Jimmy isn’t entirely sure he’s comfortable with that. He can sense that there are things Castiel is actively trying to keep from him, emotions Cas is trying to lock up tight, and Jimmy politely tries to keep his curiosity at bay. They’ve struck up an odd kind of friendship and though Jimmy’s not entirely sure how much he likes Cas, the odd mixture of sympathy and respect he has for the angel gets him through. He’d hate to ruin the system they have going by peeking where he isn’t welcome.

Try as he might, though, occasionally he does get inadvertent glimpses at what it is Castiel is trying to bury. It’s never much; a flash of longing here, fear there, hints of despair and melancholy, and the longer it goes on, the more curious (and worried) Jimmy becomes. Whatever Castiel is hiding, it’s serious and it’s eating him up.

He finally gets the nerve to ask about it one night when they’re alone, on the hunt for God in some remote forest. Jimmy hadn’t been paying enough attention to ask where, but he can feel something clawing at Castiel’s gut.

Metaphorically speaking, anyway. He’s been stabbed in the chest enough times to recognize the difference between that pain and this kind.

/Hey, Castiel?/ he asks. Cas continues walking, Dean’s necklace clutched in one hand as he moves through the underbrush.

/What is it?/ Casiel replies.

Jimmy hesitates, suddenly not sure how to phrase the question or even if he should ask.

/Jimmy?/

/You’ve seemed kind of down lately,/ Jimmy says carefully. /Just… if you wanted to talk, I’m here./ It’s awkward, almost painfully so, because Jimmy doesn’t really know Cas all that well and certainly isn’t qualified to give advice to an angel of the Lord, but he feels compelled to offer.

Castiel doesn’t speak for a moment and his steps slow, then halt. He seems to be considering something; probably whether or not to make a human his confidante, Jimmy guesses.

/I don’t know,/ Cas eventually says. Jimmy feels a bit stung, but not much. He hadn’t really expected Cas to agree.

/The offer’s open,/ he says, preparing to withdraw, but then Cas speaks again, quickly.

/I meant that I don’t know why I’m ‘down’,/ he says uncertainly, unused to slang. /At times I think I understand it, but…/

Jimmy waits, but Castiel doesn’t continue.

/Is there anything I can do?/ Jimmy offers. He feels Castiel’s hand tighten around the amulet.

/I believe I’m in love,/ Castiel says softly, unhappily.

/What?/ Jimmy asks, stunned. He senses the angel’s hesitation, but then Cas is reaching back, deep into his half of their shared mind, and he’s pulling up everything he’s been hiding from Jimmy. Jimmy almost wants to ask him to stop, to insist that it isn’t necessary, but it’s too late. Jimmy is surrounded and it  _burns_.

If an angel’s love for their Father is a deep, cool ocean of obedience, fierce but passionless, this is the mouth of a supervolcano. Jimmy is submerged in boiling magma, suffocated by it as he is sucked deeper and deeper into the pit, carried along towards the burning heart of the earth by the current. It’s immense and powerful and painful, passion and longing and desires so alien Jimmy doesn’t know what to make of them.

Castiel wants to entwine himself with someone whose identity he guards from Jimmy, but Castiel is not flesh. He is Grace and light and he doesn’t want to sink into his beloved’s body with borrowed flesh - because that’s what this is, a fierce and all-consuming love, the kind Jimmy thought was only for legends and children’s bedtime stories - he wants to meld their souls and minds. He wants to become one with the person he loves in a way that transcends Jimmy’s understanding, something far more permanent than a ring and a piece of paper.

It’s a love beyond anything a human is capable of. Jimmy loves Amelia dearly and is completely devoted to her, but if he felt this, it would consume him. He can barely stand feeling it now and to walk around with this constantly in the back of his mind, informing his decisions and shaping his thoughts, would tear him to pieces.

Then the emotions are gone and Jimmy can breathe. He does so, gasping for air and reeling from the sudden release of weight. He realizes that he must have only been feeling it for a moment, but it seemed like so much longer when he was caught up in it.

/I didn’t mean to overwhelm you,/ Castiel says calmly, tucking his feelings away carefully. Jimmy can still feel a faint echo of them, now that he knows what he’s looking for. They simmer just behind Castiel’s control, tightly leashed but barely held back even so.

/It’s fine,/ Jimmy says, still slightly breathless. He wants to ask how Castiel can stand feeling so much, but he remembers the first visit Castiel made and the strength of his devotion to his Father and siblings. Were all of his emotions so overpowering? /I thought angels didn’t experience love the same way humans did?/

/So did I,/ Castiel says, hints of sorrow echoing in his voice. /It’s painful. You told me it was supposed to be wonderful, the best thing a human could experience… perhaps it’s only painful because I am not human./

Jimmy isn’t so certain and from the sound of it, Castiel wasn’t convinced either.

/I’m sorry,/ he says, and he really means it. He wishes he could offer the angel some kind of comfort, but this is more pain than Jimmy knows how to deal with. He pauses for a moment, wondering about the wisdom of his next question, but forges ahead. /Who?/

Cas doesn’t need to ask what he means. The angel doesn’t speak for a moment, then:

/Dean,/ he replies, soft and reverent and how did Jimmy overlook this? /But I’m sure he doesn’t reciprocate./

/Have you asked?/ Jimmy immediately says. He feels Castiel’s soft negative before the angel answers.

/I don’t need to,/ he says.

/Cas-/

/I need to get back to my search,/ Castiel says abruptly, firmly, but then his voice goes gentle once more. /Thank you, Jimmy, but this isn’t something that can be helped./

Cas withdraws.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over the next few weeks, whenever Jimmy comes to, he turns his focus more and more towards what is going on outside his body. He watches Cas as the angel interacts with Dean. He almost can’t believe that he didn’t immediately guess the identity of the person Castiel had fallen in love with, though in his defense, he had never paid attention before.

And the more he watches, the more convinced he becomes that Dean actually returns Castiel’s feelings. It’s nothing definite, nothing obvious, and nothing Jimmy can put his finger on, but there are times when Castiel’s gaze locks just a little too long with Dean’s from too close a range and Dean doesn’t back down. There are times when Dean softens a little too much when talking to Cas and times when Dean is a little too harsh with the angel; typically when Cas gets hurt protecting Dean.

The only thing that actually makes Jimmy somewhat uncomfortable are the times Jimmy thinks he catches Dean staring at his lips.

Jimmy knows that Dean thinks of his face as Castiel’s face, and so Jimmy’s lips are Castiel’s lips, but Jimmy’s body is not Castiel’s body. Jimmy is not Castiel, but Dean barely knows Jimmy as  _Jimmy_. And therein lies the problem.

It hadn’t occurred to Jimmy before, he was so used to Castiel being in control of his body, but if Castiel confesses his love for Dean and Dean reciprocates… what then? Did Jimmy just expect them to sit and talk about how much they love each other? Jimmy hadn’t paid much attention to Dean before, but from what he could gather, Dean was a very physical guy. He liked sex, frequently had it with different people, and while he seemed shy about showering those he actually cared about with physical affection, if he loves Cas, he probably wants to sleep with him.

Which meant Dean wants to sleep with Jimmy’s body.

At the very least, Dean wants to kiss Jimmy’s lips. Cas might be in control and Dean would be kissing Castiel, but he’d be kissing Jimmy too. Jimmy doesn’t want to be the third, unwilling participant in their love affair.

But he doesn’t want to be the thing standing in their way, either.

Jimmy briefly wishes he could talk to someone about this, but he and Cas aren’t due to go dreamwalking again for another three days and while he is with Amelia, Cas can’t go completely under or else Jimmy would be yanked right out of the dream. There was no true privacy, only the illusion of it, and while Jimmy had made his peace with that, he didn’t want to discuss his apprehensions about what Cas might want to do with Jimmy’s body while the angel might overhear. He is on his own.

Jimmy knows he doesn’t owe Castiel anything. He doesn’t owe the angel a chance at happiness (and, no matter how sure Jimmy is that Dean returns the feelings, it _is_  only a chance) or permission to do anything with his body other than fight God’s war.

He doesn’t owe it, but does he want to give it?

Jimmy has never been attracted to men. Dean is no exception and while Jimmy understands cerebrally that Dean is handsome and can see how Dean might appeal to women, he has no desire to have sex with Dean. Even if he did, he would never act on the desire because he was completely devoted to Amelia; the very idea of being unfaithful to her turns his stomach.

But it wouldn’t be him acting on it. Though he knows Castiel probably doesn’t care whether or not he has sex with Dean, Dean does care and Castiel isn’t opposed to the idea. Castiel would probably crave sex for the closeness, if nothing else. Jimmy knows the feeling; as much as he enjoys making love with Amelia, the greatest joy is being close to her, much more than physical release.

Jimmy thinks about the love he had felt in Cas, how much of it and how strong it was and all completely devoted to Dean. He tries to imagine feeling like that and being unable to act on it. He imagines knowing that his feelings are returned and still being forbidden from acting on it.

Jimmy doesn’t want to be that obstacle, but the thought of his body being used like that…

He needs time to think.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the end, Jimmy’s decision comes down to a split-second impulse.

Castiel and the Winchesters are fighting something Jimmy thinks might be called a wendigo when the thing violently throws Dean into a tree. Even Jimmy can hear the loud crack and Dean falls to the base of the trunk, motionless.

Jimmy’s never felt so much pain and rage bubble up from inside him. He doesn’t think it’s possible for a human to feel so much, but apparently all angelic emotions are earth-shaking. Castiel, despite his dwindling Grace, becomes the very personification of divine wrath and Jimmy wants to hide, completely cowed.

Cas shreds the wendigo - not without effort, but he manages - and leaves Sam to set fire to the remains while he hurries to Dean’s side. The hunter hasn’t moved, though Jimmy feels the knot of anxiety in his throat relax when Castiel sees that Dean is still breathing.

The angel hurriedly kneels in the dirt beside Dean. His hand, when he reaches out, is achingly gentle and though he only needs two fingers to heal Dean, he presses his entire palm to Dean’s cheek. Jimmy knows that Cas probably looks totally in control on the outside, but on the inside, the angel is a whirlwind of emotions only just beginning to calm as Dean begins to stir.

Jimmy can feel Castiel’s desire to close the distance between himself and Dean, and though Jimmy knows Cas doesn’t necessarily desire it in a physical sense, it makes little difference. When Jimmy sees Dean’s eyes open and hears the hunter’s breath catch, Castiel’s desire mirrored in dark green, his decision is made.

He can’t stand in the way of this. This is something much bigger than he is, bigger than Dean, and bigger than Castiel. It might be his body, but there’s a kind of inevitability to Dean and Cas, a ring of fate, and Jimmy doesn’t want to be the monkey wrench in the machine. If he can, he wants to help, and if that requires some sacrifice on his part… well, he’s okay with that.

His body has been through worse. Maybe he doesn’t owe Castiel this, but if he can bring the angel some kind of happiness, he’s willing.

/Kiss him,/ he urges Castiel. The angel tenses, startled, and Jimmy sees his window of opportunity slowly begin to slam shut. /Trust me. Kiss him, kiss him now./

/But-/

Jimmy can feel Castiel’s protest, knows where it stems from, and he cuts it off before it properly begins.

/You have my permission. For kissing and… anything else,/ he says. The words aren’t easy, but Jimmy feels lighter after saying them. He still doesn’t know if he’s totally comfortable with it, but he doesn’t think he’ll regret giving his body over completely to Castiel. /Just… if you want to go further than kissing, put me to sleep./

Castiel is floored. Jimmy can literally feel the angel struggling for words, completely thrown for a loop, and for a moment he wants to laugh. But then doubt begins to creep in, insidious and dark, and Cas begins to pull away from Dean.

/Thank you, but it’s not necessary. Dean doesn’t-/ Cas begins, but Jimmy doesn’t want to hear it.

/Cas. Trust me. Please./

“Cas?” Dean asks, voice hoarse. The angel had stilled and they were still dangerously close. Jimmy can feel very faint puffs of air on his face when Dean breathes out and he silently urges the angel on.

Cas leans in a bit and Dean’s breath hitches. Jimmy’s heart is racing, though he’s not sure if it’s a result of his own trepidation or Castiel’s.

“Dean,” Cas breathes in response, voice low and intimate. Dean’s eyes drop to Jimmy’s lips but he doesn’t move, too unsure to assume Castiel’s motive in getting this close. As Cas closes the final inches between their mouths, Jimmy beats a hasty retreat.

He still feels it as his lips meet Dean’s, as well as the hand that tangles in his hair a moment later, fingers thicker and rougher than Amelia’s. He tries to block out the sensations around the time that Dean’s tongue licks into his mouth; Jimmy has some degree of success.

He can’t block out Castiel’s emotions though, not when they’re this strong, but fortunately, he doesn’t want to. He feels a small measure of pride when he senses Castiel’s unbridled joy flow through him, followed quickly by the powerful, all-consuming love Jimmy had had a taste of weeks ago. It doesn’t burn him this time, but Jimmy knows that the angel’s passion hasn’t cooled at all.

It’s simply less painful to be in love when that love is returned.

And that makes everything worth it.

END


End file.
